Why the hell am I doing this?

Last weekend I was challenged to think about what I’m passionate about. I attended a writer’s workshop in Denver to learn more about the possibility of publishing a book on conscious creation. During that seminar, I experienced an extreme range of emotion. First I was elated, filled with inspiration and creativity and dreams of the New York Times bestseller list in my mind. The next day, reality set in when I learned how difficult publishing can be, how rare it is to succeed in the industry and how much time needs to be devoted to not just writing a book but promoting it as well.

I was deflated.

Since I began this blog several months ago, I’ve had the chance to explore issues of conscious creation and spirituality. To do that, I’ve had to rely on synthesizing years of understanding on a variety of topics and explain them through my own experience. The process of writing about these topics has forced me to really dig deep into my own understanding and prove to myself and others that I know what I’m talking about.

So as I got caught up in my own depression about the so-called reality of book publishing, I had to take a step back and realize I was back in the “accepted” view of reality. It was as if the past 10 years of my life had vanished and I was back to the old way of looking at the world. Old beliefs floated to the top of my consciousness: life is hard; you’ll never find what you’re looking for; things are never going to change; you don’t have what it takes. The list went on and on.

And it sucked.

With the help of some courageous friends, I was called on the carpet about my own beliefs. After all, conscious creation is about discarding beliefs that are no longer useful and here was a whole heap of beliefs that needed to go. I had to return to the basics of spirituality, including refreshing my trust that the universe will support me in whichever way I turn.

Several conversations with friends and coworkers solidified the thoughts brewing in the back of my mind. One friend told me how overworked she was, how she couldn’t possibly take on any more “things” in her life and how deep she was sinking. She then proceeded to tell me about how she was starting a new parent-teacher group at her kids’ school and volunteering to run a fundraiser at church. In my mind, I wanted to scream at her to look into her own beliefs and see which ones she could eliminate yet I remained quiet.

That same day, a coworker came into my office to “vent” about some things happening in his department. I swear he almost burst a vein in his neck when he talked about how bad things had become at work, how he wasn’t valued as an employee and how the entire organization didn’t make sense. He was angry and depressed and the stress was beginning to take its toll on his body: it was that visible.

It’s often so easy to spot the limitations of others and ignore our own that I almost missed the poetic imagery that the universe was placing in my view. I wanted desperately to help both friends see how a change in perception could change their lives.

As I processed these conversations in my head, I was reminded of my own life many years ago. At that time, I was both of these people. I was unhappy, a bit depressed, and I blamed a lot of people for my troubles. I could point to my demanding boss, my uncaring friends and unsupportive coworkers for all of my problems. I frequently pleaded with the universe to give me a break and just allow me some happiness. I kept looking for solutions outside of myself instead of looking within.

The comparison of now versus then jolted me back into my senses. When I was exposed to topics such as law of attraction, affirmations, consciousness studies and simultaneous time, I felt I had come home. These seemingly surreal topics resonated with me in a way that nothing had before. I remembered how I had spent the past several years devouring as much information as I could on these subjects and trying the concepts on for size.

Do I feel like I’ve made it? Not quite. Do I feel like I understand the topics better? I’m getting there. Do I feel a lot happier in my life? You betcha. And for that reason, I’ve decided to reaffirm my spirituality goal:

I pledge to investigate and share my experience and understanding of conscious creation and new age/spirituality topics in an effort to help myself and others live better and more fulfilling lives.

It’s as simple as that. The pledge does give me a lot of latitude—anywhere from continuing on with this blog to telling a stranger about a great book I read. Does it mean I’ll be writing a book soon? It’s too early to tell. In the meantime I’ll go back to my investigative work: researching, reading, experimenting and evaluating the topics and tools we can all use to be happy. From there, I’ll leave the results up to the creation universe and see where it takes me.

Thanks for being with me on the journey.